Surprised?? That I am calling you a stranger?? Well what else should I call you?? The Love of My Life?? You are no longer. Unfortunately that is not the way that God wanted it. I may have completely removed you from my heart and my mind. But apparently my body still wants you back. Dont worry that will never happen. I would rather rip myself to shreds than even consider putting myself in that situation again.
You are now a stranger to me because the one I knew no longer exists. The one I knew would never have gone this far. Do I forgive you?? Yes I have forgiven you a looooong time ago. You know me, I am not one to hold grudges. Do I forget?? Never.
I am moving on. No scrap that, I HAVE moved on a long time ago. Why am I not in anything permanent?? Dont flatter yourself. I do not compare anyone to you. I guess I am just not willing to put any effort anymore. I am no longer interested in sharing my life with anyone or anything. I am no longer emotionally capable of trusting blindly such as I was with you. I am not even willing to give anyone a chance. Its my defense mechanism. I do it to protect myself. And I have you to thank for that. You made me the person I am today. Stronger, independant and cold. Very very cold.
I do not blame you. I blame myself for allowing the situation to go as far as I did. All the signs were there I just chose to ignore them. Everything I said I would never do, I did. Everything I said I wouldnt be, I have become.
This is the way God wanted it. And this is the way I will live my life. This doesnt mean that I will sit back cross-armed and not attempt to make my life a better life. No. I am working on it. Hard. Killing myself in fact physically, emotionally and mentally. But I have an aim in life. And I am going to acheive my aim. Including all the dreams I discussed with you. Except I will hold my head up high and proud because I would have done them all myself. Even if it means that you are not by my side. It is your loss not mine.
You are just a flicker of a memory in the back of my mind. I will not deny, I still cry over you sometimes. But mostly tears of joy for getting out of it before it was too late.
Good luck and I truly hope you are leading your life the way you intended.
Post-Birthday Gift List
2 years ago